Quotes

Add your own favourite quotes!

I'm currently redoing the quotes and grouping them to their applicable episodes. I'm currently upto Series 1, Episode 4 on this page. I'll keep updating each time I've done a new episode.

Series 1 - Good Luck Father Ted, Entertaining Father Stone, The Passion of Saint Tibulus, Competition Time

Series 1

Good Luck Father Ted

(Talking about Fun Land)
Dougal: Last year I had a go with the horse riding and it was just fantastic
Ted: I didn't know you could ride horses
Dougal: Well it wasn't a real horse Ted like. It was this old fella with a saddle on him

Mrs. Doyle: And what do you say to a cup?
Jack: Feck off cup!

Dougal: Knock Knock
Ted: Who's there?
Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire
Ted: Goodnight Dougal

Tom: Father
Ted: Yes Tom?
Tom: I killed a man
Ted: Did you Tom? I'll have to talk to you later. I'm doing an interview for the television

(Talking to Dougal at Funland)
Ted: You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk
Dougal: Well erm, the cliffs were closed for the day
Ted: How can the cliffs be closed Dougal?
Dougal: OK no, it wasn't that. They were gone
Ted: Gone? The cliffs were gone. How could they just disappear?
Dougal: Erosion

Dougal: Ted, Ted. Can I have a go on the crane of death Ted?
Ted: The what?
Dougal: The crane of death. It's called that because there was a young fella killed on it last year

Entertaining Father Stone

(Talking about Father Stone)
Dougal: How did you meet him in the first place?
Ted: He was introduced to me by Father Jim Dougan, we were at a conference. Dougan came up and said "This is Father Stone", and ran out of the building

(In the hospital waiting area)
Dougal: Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital
Ted: What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital
Dougal: Well it's not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital
Ted: Yes Dougal, but you're different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you

(In the hospital waiting area)
Ted: God I hate hospitals
Dougal: Do you ever notice it's usually sick people who end up in Hospitals?

(In the hospital waiting area)
Dougal: Father Stone's been in there a long time hasn't he? Do you think he's dead?
Ted: Probably doing tests
Dougal: What sorta tests? General Knowledge?

The Passion of Saint Tibulus

Ted: Yes but I must say I miss the noise and the lights and you know the whole buzz of the big city
Father Handees: You were in Wexford weren't you?

Father Handees: Is Father Jack a little hard of hearing?
Jack: What?
Ted: Yes, he gets a kinda waxy build up in his ears. The we have to syringe them and it's not very nice
Dougal: It's great though in a way because, you know 'cause we're never short of candles

Ted: Just forget all about it. Just forget about it. Just do not mension the sun. Have you got that?
Dougal: I have Ted. The lights are one but there's nobody home

(Talking to Bishop Brennan about the proposed cinema protest)
Ted: Your grace, this isn't really my area
Brennen: Nothing is your area Crilly, you do not have an area, unless it's a kind of a play area with sandcastles and buckets and spades

(Talking about the film)
Ted: I know for a fact St. Tibulus wore more clothes then that. He was from Norway or somewhere, he'd have frozen to death
Dougal: And do you remember that bit when St. Tibulas tried to take that banana off the other lad
Ted: That wasn't a banana Dougal

Ted: Six AM. Great. Another six hours sleep

(Two old ladies talking to Ted and Dougal outside the cinema)
Lady 1: Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago, The Crying Game.
Lady 2: Oh it was brilliant
Lady 1: Oh there was this great bit in it there was this girl, and then you find out it's not a girl but a man
Lady 2: 'Cause he got his lad out

(Pat talking to Ted and Dougal outside the cinema)
Pat: Ah Father Ted, hello
Ted: How's your wife? I hear she hasn't been well
Pat: she's dead father

Competition Time

Mrs. Doyle: You look a bit different father. Have you had a haircut or something?
Ted: No, I'm Elvis Presley
Mrs. Doyle: Are you father? Well that's a turn up for the books anyway!

Dougal: I'm just not the best at making decisions
Ted: Look-
Dougal: Or am I?

(On a TV game show)
Henry Sellers: The capital of England, is it New York? London? Or Munich? I'll give you a clue, you live there

(Talking to a very drunk Jack)
Ted: Father, are you all right? Ah no, not Toilet Duck again?

Dougal: Henry's hair looks a bit mad

Henry Sellers: You wouldn't have the number for a Father Dick Byrne at all?
Ted: You'd be making a mistake if you went to visit them
Henry Sellers: Oh, but why's that father?
Ted: They're lepers
Henry Sellers: They're what?
Ted: They're lepers. The three of them are lepers. Rugged Island is a leper collony

(During their hunt for Henry Sellers)
Dougal: Imagine if we weren't able to get him back, he's be like Bigfoot, except he'd be a BBC television presenter